You send shivers down my spine. I can’t escape from what is right in front of me, in plain sight.
There’s no turning away now.
The expectation causes me to stop, to take a sharp intake of breath. Legs tremble, feet heavy with regret, although things have been, well, quite good. That means nothing now.
What do I do? Face the panic, get it over with or run. Fight or Flight. If I run, you’ll still follow me until I turn and face you. If I fight, well, it means I’ve not given up, not given up trying, trying to beat you, with your taunts, your weird sense of humour. Yes, you may well grin, smirk, say to me, in that familiar sarcastic tone “Really? Is that the best you can do? I’d give up right now”
No. I won’t, I can’t. Like all who have gone before me and more still to follow, you can’t give up now, you really have come so far. But I still have so much further to go and I’m getting tired of your jibes at my inconsistency. Now my head is scrambled.
Once again,the panic bubbles, bitter in the pit of my stomach.
Ok, I say to myself, let’s do this.
“Whenever you’re ready”
You laugh but I won’t go down so easily this time. I will fight. I will keep fighting you until the battles done. I will conquer this panic, this fear. One day, you’ll change, one day you’ll have to eat your words.
I step gingerly onto the scales….